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My Body has Failed Me

February 20, 2017

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When you become a blogger, you only put your best food forward.  Especially when you run a lifestyle blog showing women how they can easily make things beautiful.  But no matter how beautiful things look on this blog or Facebook or Instagram, that’s not the whole story.  I’ve debated about writing and posting this post again and again, so I’m just going to take the plunge and do it. I asked my readers on Facebook what they would prefer for my 100th post, and they said something personal, so here we go. . .

My body has failed me.

I know in my logical brain that that really isn’t true. My body gets me through life, it is in decent health, and for nine months it was the home for my little boy.

Yet we are at odds.

All my life I have struggled with my weight. Except for maybe my first year or two of life and one year when I finally lost all the excess weight, I have been overweight. Technically, I’m actually obese. (Yes, I know, muscle weighs more than fat, I don’t look that bad, blah, blah, blah I’m just stating facts.)

It’s so frustrating. I can lift my 45 pound preschooler with no problem and have really increased my strength. I can keep up with a 50 minute spin class, go for a 30 minute walk/run and do most of my workouts without modifications. Yet the weight just won’t go. Or sometimes it does, but it’s so. painfully. slow.

I refuse to engage in negative self-talk about my body anymore. I used to spend probably half my brain power berating myself for not getting it together and losing more weight yet. One day when I realized that I had spent an entire 60 minute drive mentally punishing myself and strategizing how to “fix things” that I just needed to stop. All that negativity wasn’t actually helping.

I really believe that if diet and exercise were the only factors to being a healthy weight, no one would be overweight. We would all just put in the work, drop our excess weight, and problem solved. So what’s the mental block?

I’ve done a lot of soul searching and I’ve come to the conclusion that I can’t shake the feeling that my body has failed me.

For those of you who don’t know me personally, I am a voice teacher who tried at one point to be an opera singer. For a variety of reasons, it didn’t work out. Honestly, it’s for the best, but there’s still that nagging feeling that because my body is my instrument, it failed me.

Then I had a baby. I had a textbook pregnancy and everything was fine, until I went into labour and needed an unplanned C-section. Please don’t think that I’m casting shade on the need for C-sections or want to make anyone feel bad for choosing to have one. For those of us who need them they are a life-saving option and I’m grateful for mine.

But they cut my lower abs, which you need to sing properly (aka do my job). They’ve still never fully recovered almost 5 years later. Sure, I’ve made lots of work arounds, but there are some things that require ab strength that I still can’t do well. It took me almost two years to feel like myself again. I still sometimes go to sing or choreograph something for my show choir and feel like my body isn’t quite working the way it should. And it’s hard.

I still can’t look at my C-section scar without feeling ashamed. I so wish I was in a place where I could see strength and courage instead of disappointment and sorrow.

It took me a long time to feel mentally okay with the thought of another baby. The irony is, now that I would be open to one, it doesn’t seem to be happening. For years. Every month is a roller coaster, and every late period is crushing.

I hate people asking if I want another baby, or implying that my son really needs a sibling. Or if I confide in them that it’s not working out so well, telling me that I should just relax. It’s right up there with telling me to just have fun. I can’t relax or have fun on demand.

We are so lucky to already have one amazing child, so if it’s not in the cards for us to have another, so be it. But I still can’t shake the feeling that my body has failed me. Again.

Then to add insult to injury, I decided to cut out obvious sugar, eat right, and exercise regularly and gained four pounds.  I feel awesome on the inside from taking better care of myself, but mentally I am crushed.

So why am I sharing this?

Selfishly, I hope that by sharing this I can unload the mental block that’s preventing me from getting to a healthy weight. It’s that mental block that prolongs the self-sabatoging.

Unselfishly, if there’s someone out there like me, I want you to know that you’re not alone. In my circle of friends I seem to be the only one who had a C-section, and one of the few who just can’t lose the baby weight. (Can you even call it that if it’s been almost 5 years? Anyway.)

Any singers out there who have had C-sections? I know a few of you, but you all seemed to bounce back a lot better than I did.

To my readers who are also struggling, don’t give up. We can’t. The alternative is a lifetime of poor health and an unhappy mental state. None of us deserve that.

To my dear friends who don’t struggle with their body image, or at least are in a much healthier mental place than I am currently– you inspire me. I hope to join your ranks again one day soon.

Kristen Raney

Kristen is a former farm kid turned urban gardener who owns the popular gardening website, Shifting Roots.  She is obsessed with growing flowers and pushing the limits of what can be grown in her zone 3b garden.  She also loves to grow tomatoes, but oddly enough, dislikes eating them raw.

8 Comments
Filed Under: Ermagerd, Get Healthy Tagged: baby, body image, diet, Exercise, get fit, overweight, self care, Self love, self-acceptance

About Kristen Raney

Kristen is a former farm kid turned urban gardener who owns the popular gardening website, Shifting Roots.  She is obsessed with growing flowers and pushing the limits of what can be grown in her zone 3b garden.  She also loves to grow tomatoes, but oddly enough, dislikes eating them raw.

Comments

  1. Janelle says

    February 21, 2017 at 5:39 am

    Kristen! I love you! What a beautiful and raw description of what you are going through. You are so relatable on every level!
    Reply
    • Kristen Raney says

      February 21, 2017 at 10:40 am

      Thank you so much Janelle! You inspire me so much.
      Reply
  2. Allison says

    February 21, 2017 at 10:37 am

    Kristin, you are so unbelievable! I look at your beautiful photos, your beautiful family, and your beautiful words and actually want to be more positive and "real" in my own life. You are a beautiful person inside and out. We all feel broken in some ways too.
    Reply
    • Kristen Raney says

      February 21, 2017 at 10:39 am

      That means the world to me, thank you so much!!
      Reply
  3. Naomi Suchan says

    February 22, 2017 at 9:42 am

    So many tears - joyful ones because I am so lucky to have such a beautiful friend, sad ones because it hurts to see you hurting, tired ones because kids=tired...... I know we've talked about several of these struggles, but please know that this will never be a burden - no matter how many times you need to revisit the same hurts, I am always grateful when we're able to talk to each other. Love you!!
    Reply
    • Kristen Raney says

      February 22, 2017 at 7:40 pm

      Thanks Naomi! I'm so thankful to have you in my life. <3
      Reply
  4. Ziyanda says

    February 22, 2017 at 9:45 am

    You aren't alone, this is so beautiful and raw and true for many of us C-section moms. I'm only starting to feel my lower abdomen, my nerve/sensation died after my second C-section. It's taken over 14 years for the "bikini" scar to fade... Even though I grew up slim, after packing on weight years after being a mom, I had a different false perception that I was still slim. Now that I'm in the right headspace, I'm slowly returning to my ideal healthy weight for my height and body type. Don't dispair if change doesn't occur immediately, we are all fearfully and wonderfully made. The struggle is real and so is the victory. And may I add that your are beautiful and you look fit & healthy. I love your poise, I'd never think of you as obese, who gives these "health" ideal labels anyway? I don't like them(labels) ?.
    Reply
    • Kristen Raney says

      February 22, 2017 at 7:39 pm

      Thank you Ziyanda. I watch your journey on Instagram everyday and I'm so inspired. Thank you for all your encouragement.
      Reply

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Welcome!

Hi, I'm Kristen and I help new gardeners learn to grow their own vegetables and beautify their yards. I also share recipes that use all that delicious garden produce. Grab a coffee (and your gardening gloves) and join me for gardening tips, simple recipes, and the occasional DIY, all from the lovely city of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

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Welcome!

Hi, I’m Kristen and I help new gardeners learn to grow their own vegetables and beautify their yards. I also share recipes that use all that delicious garden produce. Grab a coffee (and your gardening gloves) and join me for gardening tips, simple recipes, and the occasional DIY, all from the lovely city of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.

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Currently trying to embrace the snow. . . ⁠ ⁠ Currently trying to embrace the snow. . . ⁠
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Do any of you watch gardeners on YouTube who grow in way warmer climates than yours?  Basically, almost all of the YouTubers I watch garden somewhere warmer than I do, except for the one in Alaska.  The first time my husband introduced me to the world of gardening vlogs, I just sat there fuming.  It was February.  It was -30.  And here I was watching people with green lawns starting their vegetable gardens. ⁠
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By now I've gotten used to it, and I actually really enjoy watching them while I've still got snow on the ground.  There's just something about living vicariously through someone else's garden.⁠
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If you also watch a lot of garden YouTube, who are your favourites?  Mine are @roots_and_refuge @you.cant.eat.the.grass @epicgardening @joshsattin @flowerhillfarmny ⁠
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P.S. I'm on YouTube too!  Subscribe for my longer-form content, how to videos, and (when it's warmer) vlogs and garden tours.
Growing a luffa sponge was possibly the most chall Growing a luffa sponge was possibly the most challenging and finicky thing I've taken on so far as a gardener in zone 3.  And all I got to show for it was 3 baby loofah sponges, which are so precious to me that I can't bare to actually use them. (Kind of defeats the point, doesn't it?)⁠⠀
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I'll be starting mine soon, so I though I would share some of the improvements to the growing process from last year.⁠⠀
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1. Plant in larger containers!! I thought I used large enough ones, but I sorely underestimated how big these plants would get indoors.  Once of my readers suggested buckets, and I think this is an excellent idea.⁠⠀
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2. Plant only 1 plant per container.  I thought loofah's would be like a cucumber or pumpkin or other vining squash where you plant in a hill.  The containers with two plants in them did not do as well as the single seed containers.⁠⠀
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3. Have a string for the vine to climb.  Cutting the vine off of my window screen was not fun.⁠⠀
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Will you try luffas this year?⁠⠀
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#luffasponge #loofahsponge #luffachallenge2012 #seedstarting #wintergardening #indoorgardening⁠⠀
Got the seed starting itch? There's some things y Got the seed starting itch?  There's some things you can actually seed start now and you won't end up with crazy leggy seedlings and endless problems.  In fact, these plants require that you start now, and need to be started in zone 3 by the end of February at the absolute latest.⁠
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I've already started some lisianthus and eucalyptus, and am waiting on my seed orders to start some more.⁠
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If you're starting a luffa sponge, make sure you have some sort of eventual plan for the vine.  last year mine went over my fall windows before I was able to take them outdoors.⁠
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P.S. I've actually never started onions from seed, so if anyone wants to chin in about their experience, feel free!
Growing eucalyptus for the first time this year? Growing eucalyptus for the first time this year?  A new post is on the blog to walk you through it.  While in theory eucalyptus is easy to grow, it's challenging in my zone 3 garden for three reasons: ⁠
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➡️It needs a long time to mature⁠
➡️I have a short growing season⁠
➡️I live in a cool climate, and eucalyptus grows better when its warm.⁠
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That said, you can see by this picture that it can be done!!⁠
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Oh friends, if any of my nice, curated photos sums Oh friends, if any of my nice, curated photos sums up how this last week went, I think it's this one.  Babies crying, trying to stay calm, outwardly looking like it's all under control, but feeling very overwhelmed.⁠
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This post isn't gardening related, so feel free to scroll by if you're here only for the gardening content.⁠
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Thankfully it's January, and I keep reminding myself that the Internet will not break if I don't keep to my self-imposed posting schedule.  But it doesn't make a week full of teething-and-not-sleeping baby any easier. ⁠
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Felicity slept through the night for the first time ever last Monday, then proceeded to punish us with frequent wakings and terrible sleep until Saturday.  And as tough as this is in regular times, in Covid times its extra frustrating because I don't have my village.⁠
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I can't just call up another Mama friend and go for coffee at her house.  I can't take my son out for a Mommy-and-Dominic date because everything he'd want to do isn't really much of an option.  There's no playgroup or play place to just drop in on.  And forget just taking everybody out to get groceries just for a change of scenery.⁠
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Are you gardening in containers this year? When y Are you gardening in containers this year?  When you're shopping for vegetable seeds, look for varieties that have names with words like patio, tiny, small, etc.  While lots of vegetable varieties will do fine in a container, you'll have an easier time with ones that are specifically bred for that situation.⁠
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