When Loved Ones Die: Grieving in Your 20's and Early 30's

First of all, this is a terrible title for a post. It’s not a how-to or a manual as there’s really no such thing for grief. However, there’s not a lot written out there about dealing with grief in this age and stage of life that I’m in, so I want it to be easily found by someone searching for it.

If you’re new to this blog, you might want to read this post and this post to understand the context of what I’m writing. To get you up to speed, my grandma died a month ago and I’m writing about my grieving process. What you also don’t know if you’re new to this blog or don’t know me in real life, is that my Dad (my grandma’s son) died in a car accident when I was 24, so that’s why I’m making the age range so big. It feels like I’m re-greiving my Dad as I grieve my Grandma.

Okay, let’s get started.

Grief is putting a smile on my face that betrays the sadness in my eyes. When someone you love dies, the people around you want to know how you’re doing. Those who’ve never had someone close to them die want you to just return to normal. The thing is, you feel like you’ll never be normal again. All around you life is moving forward, but someone you love is missing. They’ll never see that beautiful sunset or experience another spring. If it’s been a long time since they died, you realize that technology has changed so much that what’s available today would be quite foreign to them.

Grief takes time

Those who have experienced loss know that it just takes time. There’s no magic point where you’ll suddenly be better. The worst part about grieving the first time is that you keep thinking there should be this magic point. A month? 6 months? Surely after a year? But no. There is no time line and no exact end point.

You’ll realize you’re doing better when one day you wake up and you have energy to start the day. Or you can actually go to bed at a reasonable hour and your insomnia has subsided. Later you’ll realize that things are actually funny again. Years from now you might go the odd day without thinking about your loved one.

The Truth Behind “I’m fine”

Well, on the outside I probably seem mostly fine. If you don’t know me you’d probably have no idea that I’ve lost someone recently. Some days I’m starting to feel fine, sometimes.

Other days it feels like the only reason I’m okay is because I have to be for my family. Yes, I’m past the worst of the can’t sleep/random crying/easily set off stage, but I’m not quite done. Some days its simply hard to breathe. I go for walks because I know that I simply need some endorphins to counteract all the sadness.

I think what surprises me the most as I’m grieving this time is that I’m okay with the grieving process and it is easier to go through it because I know it won’t always hurt this bad. But I can’t grieve my grandma without grieving my Dad too.

It’s Complicated

When my Dad died I was in the middle of a masters program and I literally did not have time to grieve. Once I had to go back after the summer and finish the second year, I didn’t have any family support because my school was across the country.

I cried unconsolably for an hour every week at first. I don’t know why, and to this day I have no idea what set me off. I cried every yoga class, and I absolutely lost it in our body-awareness/tension releasing type classes. (Part of being a classical singer.) I was literally trying to hold myself together and get through and any attempt to get me to relax just shattered me.

At the year mark I knew I wasn’t done grieving, but I could tell that people were getting annoyed with me for bringing it up. To be fair, all of these people were those who hadn’t experienced the loss of a parent yet, so they had no way of understanding.

I had gotten some therapy because I knew that this would be a complicated grief. My Dad and I had a difficult relationship because of his alcoholism, so there was more than just his death to deal with. While therapy was very helpful, it wasn’t exactly the fast track to healing. You have to do the work. You have to feel your feelings, and ultimately, you need to take the time it takes even if its not on society’s schedule.

Sorting through it all

These days I’m having trouble sleeping again, but I’m able to pick up the pieces of my life that I left behind when my grandma got sick. I miss her. Slowly I’m sorting through what my life means now that she’s not in it. I’m realizing how much I revolved my life around her, and I feel a bit lost. I get emotional pretty easy, but my tears aren’t uncontrollable. Her death is easier to handle because I know she lived a full life and it was her time.

I feel really alone. I’m an only child of an only child, so I have no one to share my memories with. Yes, other people knew her, but most of my memories involve just me and her. I don’t have a sibling I can say “remember when” with and my Dad (her son) is long gone. I’ve essentially lost half of my family tree and it feels terrible.

I’m more patient with myself this time around. Finally I’m at a place in life where I can give myself a bit of time to breathe. Yet I still want to emotional eat & shop my way to happiness, even though I know that the answers aren’t at the bottom of a plate or a bag.

Unfortunately the only way through is through. You can’t rush grief and you can’t stop your emotions without serious consequences. If you’ve recently lost someone you love, I hope this post helps you feel less alone. There’s really no right or wrong way to grieve, so even if your experience isn’t like mine, its okay.

So, how are you, really? I’d love to hear how things are honestly going for you if you’ve recently lost someone you loved.

Join the conversation Cancel reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Comments

Dani

I am in my early 30's and just lost my dad. He died suddenly and unexpectedly while working and laughing in his shop on his property. My mom was with him when it happened. We don't know what caused it, neither does his doctor, he was laughing one minute and gone the next, it was very sudden. It was in December of 2017 when I got the phone call from my mom and I went into shock, then that whole month was a painful blur. It's February now, and it does seem like some people expect me to "snap out of it" soon, but i just can't, and honestly I don't even want to. I can do what I need to do for my family, I can get my responsibilities taken care of, but i can't be, feel or act like i used to. I think about him ALL the time, it hurts and there are still days where it doesn't seem real. It is comforting to see blogs like this, to read about other peoples experience and journey through grief. Thank you for writing this.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  You’re welcome, you and others like you is the reason I wrote this. I’m so sorry he died and that it was such a terrible shock. 2 months is way too soon to be “over it.” Please be kind to yourself. Grief sucks and takes so much energy. My Dad’s death was unexpected too (car accident) and I felt like it took me 18 months to feel okay again. I promise you will feel happiness again someday. Until that day comes, my heart is with you.
  
  Reply
  - Sue
    
    I recently turned 30 and My dad passed away 1 month ago. He was fine and still went to the shops the morning. My mother phoned me to say that he has trouble breathing . When I got to the house my brother was already there, we sat with him in the study trying to breathing exercises while we wait for the ambulance. He died in our arms and still breathed goodbye. The ambulance eventually came and try to find a pulse but it was too late. My father was my hero, I could talk to him about anything. It still feels unreal for me. I miss him dearly. I try to keep myself busy with work but every night I cry because I know I will never see him again. I appreciate your post, as it helps to can relate. I also feel so lost since my father passed away because he played a big part in my life . His well being and talking to him everyday was a main priority for me. I try to keep strong and remind myself constantly what he would have wanted for me. Not a lot of people understand me but he did consistently.
    
    Reply
- Evelin Esteban
  
  Thank you so much for this!!!! It’s been very helpful during this time of uncertainty. My father died from COVID-19 (it’s only been a month since he is gone)and I’ve been trying to find ways to cope and usually I just put a brave face for my kids (all 5 are under 10 years old) but once they are asleep I break down and cry it all out. My father was a strong man and usually never got sick he had no prior health problems. My father himself thought it would be just a really bad chest tightening and that he would come out of it. I had 30 wonderful years with him and I had really hope I would have had at least another 20 years with him ( my dad had just turned 54 years old 3 weeks prior to his death!!). Right now I feel like I’m in a daze and that it isn’t real and I catch myself looking at my dad’s phone number knowing full well I can’t even call it anymore i feel so lost without him or without his random calls !!
  
  Reply
  - Kristen Raney
    
    Oh I feel you on the phone calls. I still sometimes start dialling my Grandma's number and it's been 4 years!
    
    Reply
  - Emily
    
    Evelyn I also lost my dad to COVID, on 6th January 2021. I'm 37. He won't see me graduate from a course I'm on. He never walked me up the aisle but I have two sons. They're teenagers. I cannot believe the heaviness of my heart and the agony I'm going through. Plus all the questions. He was so healthy and fit. My mum was ill first but was ok but she's very restless and before she was ill she would turn up at my house and pick up my dogs. I wonder if I could have been assymptomatic around that time and gave it to her because of being on hospital placement. She also babysits my sister's child and is just very out and about. Then when she got ill she said to us it's not covid, just a chill from being out in the rain. Then dad got it. After 7 days he was admitted to hospital as we phoned the ambulance. This was 31st December. He passed on 6th and palliative sedation had started on 5th. He had become confused and unwilling to accept the masks even though he was great on them. I blame myself, I will never know if I played a role and could have said no to seeing patients on placement. I have the hardest course to complete and wonder how I'll do it. My life feels like it's over. I cannot escape the agony of the circumstances that took him from me/us. Thanks for reading, whoever did.
    
    Reply
  - Samantha
    
    Evelin, I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I am in the exact same situation. I also lost my dad a month ago likely due to Covid. He too was a strong man. His death was extremely traumatic, sudden and unexpected. He was 61. I am 32. He only met my ten-month-old son once and never got to hold him. I don’t have a nice picture of them together. I am devastated. I was very close with my dad too. I feel very alone. Most our age don’t understand. They haven’t lost a parent and like the post says, they expect me to be back to normal already and are annoyed that I am not. It hurts really bad. Please reach out to me if you would like to talk more or just need a shoulder to cry on.
    
    Reply
Danielle

I lost my mom December of 2017. No one has talked to me about this. Other family expects me to carry on and be working. I can only work part-time now. My at-home job let go of everyone due to an app failure. I am stuck in a tiny town, alone. Each day, I pray for a miracle.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I feel like talking about dying is so taboo in our society. It's like we're not allowed to grieve once the person has been buried. I'm so sorry you're dealing with job issues on top of grieving. My heart is with you.
  
  Reply
Lars

I just lost a 5 year girlfriend which my world revolves. To suicide! And its been a month. I can't think anyway to be normal. I jusy and cannot sleep better.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I am so sorry for your loss. It's normal not to feel normal. Honestly, don't even try. Grieving hurts and it's better to feel the feelings than try to push them aside. A month is still so fresh, give yourself time. A lot of time. There will come a day when you will sleep again or laugh again and it will make you a bit sad because you're moving on, but it will also make you happy because it means that you are healing.
  
  Reply
Jeni

I lost my dad today and I really don’t know how to handle so much pain. It’s a mix of emotions and rollercoaster and fear. He was our strength mentally, I don’t know if I can can ever cope up with this loss. I want to hear him one time before he left. Talk to him and ask him if he is okay!

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I am so, so, sorry for your loss. Everything feels so raw right now. The pain is terrible--please try and be gentle with yourself. I promise someday you will feel better, but for now, just feel your feelings and give yourself lots of grace. Sending you much love.
  
  Reply
- Rachele
  
  Thank you for writing this. I lost my mom to cancer last November. I was 31, she was only 59. My Dad has not been taking it well, and my brother and his family moved a 15 hour drive away shortly after. I switched jobs right before she died from night shift to days to spend more time with her, and now am feeling stressed out of my mind wishing I had my old job back. I also lost a boyfriend to suicide 8 years ago and my current boyfriend is not supportive, possibly emotionally abusive. My mom was my rock. She was basically my only real support and I feel absolutely lost without her. I oscillate between missing her selfishly for all the help she have me and genuinely missing her for just who she was or just wanting her around. I feel guilt and anxiety ridden all the time. I am depressed and irritable and feel so pessimistic and miserable like the world is against me. I feel like I've suffered so much it's not fair and I can't seem to reconcile that. It's just so hard, it seems like it's getting harder. It's been almost 9 months since she died but it feels rawer now than before, like the bandaid has been ripped off. I feel like I was in shock for the first however many months and only recently started to truly grieve. She suffered so much. It was a shocking and short death. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in June and died 5 months later but it was like she was gone almost the moment she was diagnosed. I lost my mom that day. It's just been over a year since then now and I think that's why it's suddenly been so hard again. It's all I think about every day. Sometimes I can handle it and other times I just want to scream. Sharing this because I know others might understand. I feel like it's taboo to talk about how you truly feel but it's necessary and there's just nothing out there. We are not alone. Thank you again for sharing your story. It really does help. I pray that we will get through this and that we get to see our loved ones again someday on the other side.
  
  Reply
Elizabeth

Thank you so much for your post. I lost my mom about two months ago, and it was also sudden and unexpected. She was my rock, my everything. As an only child this feels like an incredible burden and I don’t feel like I’ve even had time to grieve. Each day is so different and it’s difficult to wrap your head around. My heart aches reading the posts from others too - just knowing that they’re also going through so much pain. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  You're welcome. Even though it's hard to see all these people in pain, it also makes my heart so happy that this post is doing what I hoped it would do. 9 years ago when I googled, "grieving in your 20's" nothing came up and I had never felt more alone. Now something comes up, and I'm glad it makes you feel less alone. I am also an only child, so I really sympathize with you on how big the burden is. Sending you all my love over the internet.
  
  Reply
Sivashankari

I lost my only surviving parent two months ago. We are expecting pur first & my dad just passed away so unexpectedly without even seeing his grandson. I am yet to come to terms with how a healthy person could just faint & die instantly. Currently living almost 16000 miles away its as if all that I have left are the memories in my head of them. I am an only child & what you wrote about noone there to share “remember when” resonates totally with me. My Mom passed away a decade back while I was in school & its also true that now I grieve her loss while grieving my dad’s.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I'm so sorry. The whole situation just feels so unfair. And I'm sure grief + pregnancy hormones = terrible times. I wish I had something to say to make it better. Please know that you're in my thoughts and prayers.
  
  Reply
Yvette Gonzalez

I’m 34 and I lost my 2 year old beautiful little girl to a horrible accident it’s going to be one year and it feel like yesterday everyday I cry my eyes out I miss her so much people try to be there for you which is awesome but wont understand what u are going through unless they experienced a loss.God is the only one that can heal your heart. There is hope! We have to hold on to the word ofGod that we will see them again. Lovely!!! Can’t wait but for now we have to press forward. We wanted life to stop but it didn’t so let’s hold on to Jesus hand and try to make this other half of our life the best! My little angel is more alive than ever and she couldn’t be in better hands. Love u all and keep pushing foward

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  Thank you for your comment. My heart goes out to you and I'm so sorry for your loss. I'll keep you in my prayers that God will give you strength through this terrible anniversary.
  
  Reply
Caroline

My Mother died last Oct 03, 2017 because of Sepsis. It was sudden. I was still hoping that she will survived...but she didn't. It has been a year now. I am happy because I know that my Mother now is happy and free of her problems and pain in this earth. However, At times, I still feel so sad because I miss her very much. I always think of her. There are still times that I feel so empty and sad. Emptiness and sadness that I have never felt ever before. There are times that I cry... just to let it all out and then I'll be fine again. It's been a year now since her death and I miss her so much. Words can't really describe how much I miss her. Days before she died, she promised me that she will never leave me. Unfortunately, she still left me. They said that my mother never really left me. I just hope that is true. I miss her so much and still hurts so bad.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I'm so sorry for your loss, that sounds terrible. I went through a similar process of crying too, and it lasted for far longer than I thought it would. There's no timeline for grieving, I'm so glad you're able to get your emotions out even if they are hard to bear.
  
  Reply
AnnMarie

My mom died a week and a half-ago. It doesn't feel real. She didn't want to die. I have so many regrets. I wish I was more emotive, hug her more, let her know I was listening more, that I truly cared about her. I wish I'd called the ambulance sooner rather than wait until it was too late. The world for me has been a vacuum, but it's moving, and I am expected to move with it. I don't want to. I can't get over the final looks she had given to me. I feel like the worst daughter in the world for not calling the ambulance sooner.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  Oh AnnMarie, I'm so sorry. That must have been so terrifying. Even though it's hard, you can't blame yourself. Even if you had called the ambulance sooner she still might have had some other complication and would have died anyways. You'll never know and you'll drive yourself crazy with what-ifs. You did the best you could with the information you had at the time. A week and a half is still really fresh. Please keep talking to people, journalling, or seek counselling if there is some available to you. Sending you much love!!
  
  Reply
Whitney

My Dad passed away at the end of December. It wasn't necessarily sudden. He had been diagnosed with a brain tumor/cancer in August of 2017. I feel like my family and I have been grieving since he was diagnosed. After he passed the grieving just became deeper and more painful. I spend my days trying not to think about it, or when I am thinking about it, trying to understand how this happened. I am caught in an endless loop and I feel like I am being torn apart. Part of me has to go on, move forward and live life. The other part is stuck unable to move on, unable to accept, unable to...well just unable. I know eventually I'll be able to pull myself together and move forward with my life, but, honestly, I have no interest in that right now. I just want my Dad back.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I'm so sorry, that's such a long time to be grieving, especially when you count in the time of diagnosis. I so wish there was something I could say to make it better. Sending you virtual hugs.
  
  Reply
sanya M

I am in my early 30's and just lost my dad. It has been just month I lost my dad because of liver damage. Though he fight with life for 15 days. Being elder daughter, I have to stay stronger so that i can take care of my mom and younger sister. Grieving period is worst phase of life which is more painful than anything else. When my dad was alive i used to fight with him a lot because of its drinking habits. Still today I feel if dad would have stopped drinking. But, can't helped him. I can't even cry in front of mom. So, it is more painful. Whole day I keep thinking about loving dad while sitting in office. I just pray to god that give me strength to move forward in life. Really life is become aimless, hopeless, and helpless. :( Broken completely.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Just know that you're not alone.
  
  Reply
Erica

I'm 31 and just lost my mom last month during a preventative brain aneurysm procedure (aside from watching over 2 brain aneurysms for 9 years, my mom was entirely healthy). Death was the last thing any of us thought would happen to her during this procedure. To lose a mom is one thing but to lose a mom who was also my best friend is another. I feel like it's a double whammy. I'm currently trying to locate a therapist to talk to one-on-one in the meantime until the bereavement support group I signed up for starts in late January. My dad is beside himself and we're all still in shock and disbelief. We're expecting her to walk through the door or drive her car up the driveway any minute. My mom took care of all of us and was so vibrant and wonderful, it hurts so bad that she's suddenly gone. Whenever I'm by myself I can't handle it, I feel so overcome with sadness and emptiness, my heart literally hurts. I even found that I'm crying differently, more of a pained whine/cry that I've never done before, but now that I'm doing it it makes sense based off the extreme love I had for my mom. I know that life will move on and we'll find a the "new norm" that everyone talks about, but I wish so badly that I could just have her back in my life. It was my time to give back to my parents and thank them for all that they did for me. Now I will just need to do that for my father and help him through this, too. I appreciate you posting about your losses and seeing everyone else's comments brings a little bit of comfort in knowing I'm not going crazy.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I'm so sorry. I know it hurts so bad. You're doing all the right things and I promise the grief will eventually get more manageable. Sending you so much love.
  
  Reply
Megan

I just lost my dad he was 62 and I was 34 and my sister was 37 I do miss him. His birthday was in August like mine. It’s like you can’t believe this happened like it’s not real and another part of you knows it’s real. I sometimes write stories to my dad in my notebooks that’s a healthy thing to do. The pain does take time but it’s good to cry.

Reply
- TJ
  
  I lost my dad as well. He was 72 and I am 37. He passed away December 5th 2020. It does feel unreal. I feel like he will call and talk to me while I'm working, but I know better. I never thought to write stories. That's a good idea. My dad wrote poems. I used to write them in high school. I will keep you in my prayers.
  
  Reply
Jessie

Thank you for putting this awful feeling into words to beautifully. I lost my mom suddenly in 2019 to suicide. I had lunch with her the day before and had no idea. I was completely blindsided and felt like my life was lie, it was so beyond devastating. There are no words to explain the grief of not having any answers, not getting to say goodbye, not remembering the last thing you said, not understanding WHY they would do this. It broke my world into a million pieces. My parents worked so hard their whole lives, they had just retired, I had just moved closer to them but it was all snatched away in an instance. It was all so unfair. My dad, brother and I tried to still be a family but my dad is not a very emotionally in-tuned, and my brother began to spiral. We all tried to get him help, seeing a therapist, getting anti-depressant and believed he was getting better. Just a month past my mom's 1 year death anniversary, my brother also committed suicide. It was like a knife was stabbed into an already bleeding wound. He had promised me he'd always be there for me after my mom passed and now I've lost most of my family. I'm only 33. My dad is elderly and not in good health after all he has been through in this time frame. I have no living grandparents, my mom was an only child and my dad's siblings live in another country now. There is a very real possibility that I will have no living immediate family members by the time I'm 35. I've always been a family oriented person, I used to love long lunches with my mom, summer sleepover with my cousins, etc. I can't even what my life looks like now. I have no one to share my memories with, it's an awful feeling to not have people to reminisce with. People stop asking how you're doing after 2-3 months, they move on with their lives. They have their own parents and siblings and families to spend time with, they don't have time for you. Therapy only helps so much, no matter how much you heal, your people are still missing from the rest of your life. My mom and brother were SO good with kids, they were silly and could become best friends with any kid. They won't ever get to meet my future kids. My mom worked at a day care and helped raise hundreds of kids, many of whom still kept in touch with her. It breaks my heart to know she would have been an amazing grandma, my kids will never know her love. There are no guidebooks on how to live your life without your family. I appreciate your posting about your losses and bringing comfort to those of us unfortunate enough to be in this position. Your post and the comments make me feel less alone. Thank you.

Reply
Anonymous

I have had a couple of great losses in my life - the first my grandma - I was just 19, we had just started developing that friend relationship - her last words to me about the sudden loss of my first love were “you will meet someone who deserves you” - ten years on I’m still waiting to realise that. Her loss was raw - I was in the middle of my a levels, it was so sudden, she was 74 and so full of life. When I think of her, I non longer get sad - I suppose she had been gone for a third of my life - I suppose these days I wish for what could have been. Would she be proud of me? How many car journeys did we miss out on? How many shopping trips? How close could we have been? I he second was my step sister - cut down at 26 by epilepsy - by chance i just arrived home when it happened. For this death I don’t feel like I have grieved - maybe I didn’t need to - perhaps our relationship wasn’t close enough, although we had lived together for 12 years we were desolate strangers. My fondest memory is a cycle car in Devon at 11 years old. My deepest regret is the fear I felt that I would die as penance for not loving her enough not appreciating her enough; but I reconciled myself with the fact that we can’t dictate our lives, as much as I wish we had been more sisterly it wasn’t to be - i just cherish those moments we had together as children. She will be forever young to me. Finally the penultimate one - my grans death was slow - she had been ill for some time, despite us all facing the inevitable, my mind was torn. I was 25 when she died, the person who had gotten me through so much. She had always been a phone call away - a hot cup of tea, jam sandwiches and the warmest smile you could imagine. Despite the preparation, despite the endless conversations about how I would cope without her (with her) despite forcing her to write a long wind paragraph in my last birthday card and endless video recordings - writing this draws tears to my eyes. The one person who I feel i will miss for the rest of my life: I treasure the fact I have loved someone so much that they have left such an impression on my day to day life; be that I miss a cup of tea on my lunch break or just the endless support and unwavering encouragement. The loss of my gran has left a mark that, even I can’t begin to understand, but it’s there and I’m so glad that the fire she left me with can never be extinguished, the soft glow of grief makes me remember that she was real and she was here for me, and that she still is - just in my dreams. And that’s ok and it’s ok to feel sad.

Reply
Char

I lost both my parents within a year of each other. My dad suddenly to a heart attack, and he left my mother with her undiagnosed (but well established) dementia and an outdated will. She died a year later, when i was 30. The resulting estate battle between sisters due to the outdated will and the fact that Dad left everything to my demented Mom who could not speak for hersef, has left the family fractured. I just wanted my eldest sister to use that money for our mom. Instead she made herself executor, froze the estate, and put Mom into an inappropriate care home where she quickly got removed from due to aggression and then dumped in hospital to live out her days strapped in a chair. She was 64. us 3 sisters are all over the world (Canada, Australia), and the eldest has estranged both younger sisters as soon as Moms estate settled and she got her money. My only surviving family member and I can only speak on the phone since COVID. I am not even sure what I am grieving for anymore. My dad? My mom? My sister? Am I homesick? Pure loneliness? How do you even know how to fix it when you don't know what the problem is?

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I am so sorry. I think COVID makes grieving 100 times worse for those who've lost someone in and around this period. Honestly, you're probably grieving it all and it's going to take a long time to unpack all those emotions. But please know that you're not alone. So many families struggle with situations like these and it's so heartbreaking.
  
  Reply
Keke

I lost my mom on the 30th of September her birthday month we couldn’t even celebrate her birthday because she was admitted on her birthday 24th.She’s been sick for 4 years but we got used to her being sick all the years,she was with her family my father,me and my two sisters when she took out her last breath. It is painful even now it’s been a week since we buried her I wonder how am I gonna cope since she was everything to me the pain goes straight to my heart and I still struggle to believe that she’s really gone.

Reply
TJ

I lost my personal super hero a piece to my heart..my dad. December 5th 2020. I was working when I got the call that he could not be revived. I felt like time stopped and everything was just quiet. I didn't even recognize my cry. Begging for it to be a lie. My husbrushed me to his place. The police confirmed it, but I wanted him to come to the door. I kind of even waited to see if he would even as I walked in his place. It hurts so bad. They say it was a natural death, but I wish I could have been there. Maybe I could have saved him. I hate when it gets dark, it gets harder. I think more and I cry even more. I miss him so much it hurts. I know he is in a better place, but the pain i feel seems so unbearable. I have to clean out his place and I don't want to. I have to go back and its hard too. It feels so unreal and going back makes it real. I play the Sims game and pretend I made him and that he is still here. I know its dumb, but it helps a little. I just feel incomplete. I swear I can hear his voice so clear in my head. I love you dad always will.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  Hi TJ, I read your comment and I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so hard. I promise you that while you'll never forget him, that someday the grief won't be so heavy.
  
  Reply
Nicole Johnson

Hi Kristen! I just randomly found your page and your post was very good. I love that it wasn't a how-to guide like you said and you definitely made me feel less lonely. My grandmother died in November and I've been getting on ok. We were moderately close and she raised us all on her own pretty much so she meant the world to me and my siblings. I decided to stay home for New Years (which just passed not even two hours ago) and I got surprisingly overwhelmed. I'm not sure if I'm managing well or if I'm not in touch with myself or if I'm suppressing things. For some reason, I'm always surprised when I get emotional. She was old even when she took us on as babies so there's always been this huge fear and anticipation of her passing but by the grace of God, she stayed around until I turned 33 -- she passed at 90. I feel unbelievably grateful and happy that she lived such a full life and touched so many people. There's a part of me that I feel has come to terms with her passing, but then I don't understand why I'm so emotional or upset. Guess this is just what grieving is (??) ... Anyways, I would love to know if you have an update on where you are in terms of your grandmother and Dad's death now -- if it's not too much to revisit. Much of your article resonated with me and I'm happy I found it. Anyways, Happy New Year and I hope you are well.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  Hey! I'm so sorry for your loss, it sucks, especially in Covid times to lose someone. I think what you're describing about grieving is totally normal. I felt the same way about my grandma. I still think of her every single day and how proud she'd be of me and how she'd love to meet my two younger girls (she was alive to meet my son). It's weird how 4 years later, the emotions are not overwhelming at all, but I'm very surprised how often she crosses my mind with a combination of sorrow and peace. And same with my Dad, and that's been 11 years now. Thank you again for reaching out, and maybe someday I will write a followup piece.
  
  Reply
Julie Lancaster

My dad died super unexpectedly on October 3rd, 2020. He was home by himself working on chores and he collapsed. My mom found him when she got home and called 911 but they were unableto revive him. He was 57, and I was a few months shy of 30. We still have no real idea what caused him to jsut fall over like that. I went through the first two weeks feeling kinda numb, and then the rest of October seemed to drag on forever. My grandma (his mom) died 10 days after him, but because she was in her 80s, it hurt a lot less than his death did, but its hard to separate the grief between the two of them. When I wasn't working and distracting myself I was miserable. I started talking to a counselor virtually (because of Covid) and that seemed to concentrate my lowest points into one hour blocks of time and make the rest of my week more bearable, to the point where sometimes I'm not thinking about it too much, but other times I have to absorb everything I can about grief and just silently cry.

Reply
Anshul Puri

Hi, this is Anshul. I lost my Dad to Covid who was 63 (but looked like in his 40’s). We were together in business & I was taking forward the company which he had opened with his guidance & mentoring. Though business had its ups & downs in the past 8-10 years but he was a person who used to sing loudly every evening. You would never ever see even a little stress on his face even though I knew he was pretty stressed from company debts & loans. He gave me all the strength in the world to be a strong man. After he has gone I feel I dropped from a certain height to the ground. All people who I saw standing with me , now seem way above me. My father taught me all technicalities of work, but after he has gone I feel everything is finished, business will close down. Suddenly I realised I was actually standing & all my confidence was because of him. He would always say to take care of your health & I would always tell him Dad everything will fall in place. He told when you will become a father I will ask you. I had my Marriage planned in March 2021. He left suddenly before that. He did meet my would be & her parents but had many plans for a destination wedding (on a small scale) for me with close family. He was more excited than me for my marriage. He was fully renovating our house in which I was born (30 years old) with all the latest design & decorations. It was the one time which I was seeing him so happy after like 8 years of his struggles. I feel bad for myself & my family but more than that I feel bad for him, he wanted to live till 95-100 & was making his room like a retirement suite for his elderly times. Everything got shattered. Now he has left the house 70% complete in mid way. I am not being able to gather the courage to build the 30% left. I feel god was so unfair with our family. My grandfather (89) & grandmother (80) are living in the same house & my grandfather came back from hospital successfully with COVID but his son (my Dad) at 63 could not survive. Life is so unjust. My father never let me go to someone’s death just because of the negativity. The first death funeral i saw was of my fathers. He was a man with so much kindness, prosperity & respected each & every person like a family member. All are local people are shocked as everyone including us thought he would be the last one who will be leaving this world amongst us friends. Turned out to be one of the first. I love my Dad with each & every piece of mine. I’ll just try to live this life which my Dad has given me just to fulfil his unfinished tasks & to run his company with making the things smooth from time to time. I have travelled for work to another country for a project which my Dad was to send me to. I’m typing this sitting at my hotel room in another country. I just wish my Dads guidance & his suggestions remain with me each & every second of my life. That’s the only way I can proceed now. Just Pray!!! You may contact me on my email : [email protected]

Reply
Samantha

Thank you for this post. I am gutted over the loss of my father last month. I am 32. My dad was 61. The pain is all consuming and unrelenting. It seems that my did died from complications due to likely having had Covid. My sisters and I tried so hard to keep him safe. I can’t stop thinking about the what if’s and the why’s. What if I had gone to his house earlier? What if he had gone to a different hospital? Why didn’t he call me for help? I am sick over it. Someone mentioned that it is worse at night. It absolutely is. When it gets dark my mind goes crazy. I can’t stop beating myself up, crying, wishing I could turn back time and make different choices. I’m mad at myself. I’m mad at him for not telling me he was sick and for leaving me. I don’t want to be mad at him but I am. I started counseling and I hope it helps. I just want to be able to clear my mind and not think about this 24/7. It’s the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I had a ten month old son. My father’s first and only grandchild. He only met him once and never held him due to Covid. I have no nice picture of them together. It is killing me. I can’t believe this is real. That this is my life and that this happened to my poor precious father. I would have done anything to help him. I so wish things could be different.

Reply
Morgan

Hi Kristen, I realize this is a couple years later than this article. I lost my dad two weeks ago and I'm 31 years old. The pain sucks. Your article is comforting. I feel life moving around me but I am stuck in the grief that a piece of me is gone. I've never been through this feeling when someone has died, it's new and different, like a first broken heart. I know it will get better but for now it sucks knowing I have a lot of life here without him.

Reply
Jenna

I love your post. I just lost my dad 3 weeks ago unexpectedly. He was 62 and I am 33. I am also an only child, so I totally relate to you on that level. Thank you for posting this.

Reply
Jacinta

It’s really late and I can’t sleep . I really needed this . Lost my dad 2 months ago

Reply
Bhanu Shikha

I have got my father due to Covid - complications on 23rd April 2021. I’m not able to make peace with anything. He was perfectly health man and this sudden loss has shaken me.

Reply
Samantha

Thank you so much for sharing this. I happened to find it googling that exact topic. I'm 36 and lost my aunt at the end of May, my friend in the beginning of July, and my grandmother in late July. I almost lost my dad and brother in law to COVID just a week after my grandmother. This has been my first true experience with death. This has honestly been so hard and I feel so lost some days. I too have found myself randomly crying out being setoff without knowing why. This has given me comfort in know that it's ok.

Reply
EL

I’m not sure if you’ll even see this comment, as your post is 5 (almost 6) years old. I know that because I lost my brother about a month after you posted this. Wild. I am still quietly struggling with his death, 5 years later. What you wrote reminds me of me- the emotional eating and shopping.. I did that for years. I still sort of am doing that, but with self awareness at least. I gained so, so much weight after my brother died— I didn’t realize just how much food people bring to your house with stuff like this happens. It was an unexpected loss, and he was my only sibling, and my parents’ only son. I feel empty. Apathetic. I used to be obsessed with keeping my appearance beautiful and fit. Now… I am a complete 180 of that girl. I don’t know where she went. I replaced dating with food and Amazon. Gained over 100lbs since he died. I have absolutely no idea what my next step in life is. I turned 30 this year- and I’m literally nowhere near where I thought I’d be. I want kids, partially because I want/feel the need to continue our family tree. I’m the only chance my parents have for grandchildren. But without a sperm donor or immaculate conception, I don’t see that happening in the near future. I feel utterly stuck. I feel too apathetic to change. I feel incredibly alone. I have some friends. My mom is my rock these days. And I have a rescue dog that makes me want to keep going. But other than that, I struggle to care. I’m not suicidal. At all. But I dont care if I live or die. I don’t care about anything. I’m on antidepressants and meds for adhd- and thank God for those. If I didn’t have those, I’m not sure I would even have a job anymore. TLDR: thank you for posting this. I’m 30 and feeling alone and apathetic after losing my brother/only sibling in an auto accident— but posts like this help. I’m not where I thought I’d be by age 30, and I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. But I keep going. I keep going.

Reply
- Kristen Raney
  
  I'm so glad my post could help a little bit, even if only to make you feel not alone. I haven't looked at the comments for this post for ages, but I just happened to be in the back end of my site and thought I'd look at some of the new ones. I don't really have any advice, but I wish I could give you a giant hug. Even though it feels frustrating to not be where you wanted to be by 30, you really do have lots of life ahead of you (and I totally get how it does. not. feel. like. it.) I changed careers at 31, and it was really scary. Anyway, all this to say that your grief is valid, the pressures you feel are valid, and kids are still not out of the question. I just had my 4th baby at 38 years old, and I know lots of women who have had babies in their early 40's. Of course, nothing in life is guaranteed, but please know that you aren't doomed. Your dreams could still be in reach. Sending you so much love, Kristen
  
  Reply
Nance

Your post really resonated with me, I lost my dad and one of my brothers in a car accident when I was 21. (Late 40s now) They were my best friends, the people who knew me the best. Two years later, just when you are feeling ok, I lost my Grandad, and then 2 years after that my other Grandad. Every new death reminds you of the first most hard-to-accept ones. Have lost even more cherished people since then, each time you remember the first most keenly. My youngest brother was only 13 and has said that he barely remembers them and has a different kind of pain to me. His memories are vague and fuzzy. What we both share are the moments they have missed, such as my brothers graduation, passing his driving test. Then there are people they have never met, such as our other halves and my nephews. It does get less take your breath away painful, the emptiness stays the same, you just surround it with more things. I use karate for the physical release of emotions and genealogy for mental perspective, for as bad as it is losing people, people in the past had it far worse with no mental health support and worse living conditions.

Reply

When Loved Ones Die: Grieving in Your 20’s and Early 30’s